Awkward 101

Ah yes, the art of awkwardness.  These moments are often so plentiful in my life here in Azerbaijan, I don't think I take the time to truly appreciate them.  Since I know everyone loves a good awkward moment, see Michael Scott on The Office, I thought I would take the time to write this one down.

My counterpart and I are currently working on a small grant for the the British Councils, the due date is on the 27th and I leave tomorrow for our Mid-Service Conference (MSC), making today the day we need to finish.  It is rare that we can find time to actually sit down and talk together at our organization (as our Director, Tural is often in high demand and if I'm in the organization it is often an indicator that I'm there to engage with students, which.....I am, but I also recognize that it's impossible to get any "paperwork" or written work done while I'm at our org).  We made plans to instead meet at my apartment so we could work together.  He brought his computer, I have internet and we began our adventure.

Through this grant writing process I have included Tural in every step.  This has been painstaking process for us both because the application is in English and certainly I could write it, but that does absolutely nothing for longevity (teach a man to fish, right?).  I keep saying "What if I get hit by a bus?  If I get hit by a bus, I won't be able to help!" to which he typically looks horrified at the suggestion  (grotesque humor rarely translates).  What this means is that with each question on the proposal, we first go over the words he doesn't know and I then ask him what he thinks about the question.  I continue asking questions to draw out answers and if a "shrug" is used as his response I ask it in a different way or with smaller questions that lead up to the bigger question.  Initially, I think the shrug was used as a way to get an answer out of me, but I'm pretty stubborn and in instances like these, fairly patient.  And so we persist, but it has taken (is taking) a great deal of patience on both our parts.  The grant is shaping up quite nicely and we plan to finish (inshallah) after lunch today.

So where is the awkward?  Here it is.  While Tural and I were working together on the grant, my landlord came to the door with a repairman.  After returning from America this month, my apartment basically took it upon itself to fall apart.  Leaky ceilings in the bathroom, leaks in the kitchen, toilet tank leaking onto the floor, motor broke on the fridge and the rat is back.  (Although, I think this is a new rat, because this rat is like Super Rat, equivalent in size to a cat only with a rat tail, I wish I were exaggerating.)  Rat Story: Part 2 is a story for another day because I need to keep my emotions in check, at least until the end of the week, and I think that story might send me over the edge and into the Depths of Despair.

This week, I went and paid my landlord rent for February and while I was with him, I told him about the problems in my apt (or "fumbled my way through trying to explain the problems in my apartment in Azerbaijani").  He told me who I had to go see for the pipes and said he would bring a repairman to look at the fridge.  The next day, he returned with the repairman and after they looked at it discovered it would be 120 AZN to repair.  To put this price into perspective, that is the same as one month's rent for me and I'm fairly certain about 3/4s of the cost of a new fridge.  I told him it was too expensive and I could not afford it.  So today, when he and the repairman showed up, I was taken aback a little.  I thought perhaps he hadn't understood me (which is definitely possible).  With Tural there, he said he had understood, but saw my food on the balcony and felt bad for me and wanted to repair it.  I then said, "But I cannot pay, I don't have the money."  He and Tural then spoke rapidly to one another (to which I could not follow all of it) and Tural said "What can you pay?  He will take it.  Or you can make payments every month."  At this point I am frustrated, but I persist "But, it is too much money, that is the same as one month's rent for me."  And Tural says, "Yes, yes, we understand, but what you can pay, he will take."  I want you to know that I have a wonderful landlord.  My landlord is extremely kind and I think honestly, he worries a little about me living here alone.  Every month when I pay him, he seems extremely embarrassed to be taking money from a woman.  I also think it's why he returned to repair the fridge.  However, I also know him fairly well and have drank tea at his house and met his family.  He has a son who is ill and also has very little money due to medical bills.  He doesn't have an extra 120 AZN either.

So, here I am with my landlord, Tural, and random repairman and they are being wonderful (well, except random repairman, he's just hanging out).  Both men are trying to help me to solve this problem and I recognize their kindness.  And so, how do I, world traveler, tough, independent and strong woman that I am respond?  By crying of course!  Awkward x 3.  Here I am, a woman, living alone (a huge cultural faux pax), and showing what I perceive as proving right their every suspicion, a woman just can't handle it (which of course I don't agree with, but I'm certain you understand the implications here).  I'm standing there crying and covering my eyes with one hand and holding up the "Just a minute" hand with the other.  Tural is asking me what's wrong and the two others just kind of stood there awkwardly.  It was not this exact moment that was lending itself to tears, it was the Attack of The Rat, the broken everything, the frustrations in communication, the grant writing Tural and I were supposed to be working on, the kindness of everyone in the situation, the embarrassment of these money woes and just everything.  To seem even crazier, I just start laughing at the absurdity of the entire situation, waving my hands in a "I'm fine, I'm fine" kind of way, which I'm sure just confused everyone more.

It occurs to me that this moment and the way I'm experiencing it might be what Peace Corps had in mind when they discussed "It is also important that you live at the same economic level as the people in your community" in reference to our living allowances.  These struggles I'm experiencing are some of the struggles people here live with daily, and it is most likely an experience with which they will continue to struggle.  I think there is a great humility to be gained from this experience.

I ended up paying my landlord 20AZN for now and we'll figure the rest out later.  In the meantime, there is a Super Rat to take care of and MSC to prepare for.  Tural should return shortly so we can finish this grant as well.  Ay da, Peace Corps living.